Psalm 119:23,24 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
I'm resurfacing here like a bloated, beached dying whale that needs to come up for air. As I think back on my relatively short blogging career, I see a pattern emerge. I have written about bladder bags, surgery, and chest pain. My complete medical record would need to be carted into a doctor's office in a wheelbarrow. 15 major surgeries rolls off my tongue as if that is an common occurence for a 40 year old woman. I have suffered greatly in my physical body. God is revealing to me my heart all the while.
Nothing like 5 months of constant, nagging pain to belie the depths of my wicked, unbelieving heart. Pain wears me down. I want to carry its weight with dignity and grace; most days it is with weariness and irritability. At least in the past, there has been a surgery date, a recovery period - an end in sight.
Lost in the midst of unrelenting pain, God allowed me to recognize Jesus yesterday for the first time in a week. I didn't see Him because relief had come but because a reminder settled in my heart. God is not absent when I hurt. He has compassion for His daughter. He is here.
Pain creates an eery, isolating silence is my heart. It strips my heart back to reveal what comforts it desires, what ease it demands. My pain is so noisy that I hear nothing else - not even the voice of my Savior who knows the depths of suffering that I cannot fathom. Amidst the turmoil, God speaks to me calmly and quietly. He will not silence noise that I have chosen to drown Him out with.
I am here. Do you love me enough to trust me?
I am strong. Are you willing to be weak so I can show you my heart for you?
I am searching your heart. Will you let me show you your grievous ways?
I will lead you in the way everlasting...